Hereby presented: Five songs to use as ammo against your loud, awful neighbors.
For urban dwellers who live in close proximity to each other, peace with our neighbors is a tenuous thing. If you're lucky, you will get tolerant people who keep their noise to a minimum and are respectful of those who live around them. Most likely though, you will get a bunch of jerks who like to have long screaming arguments, with bratty kids who stomp around the hallways unattended shrieking like pangolin monkeys, and older folks who constantly have their TV's on Fox News at maximum volume. How can one retaliate against such an onslaught without getting arrested for attempted murder? I hereby present 5 musical selections that when played on maximum volume on a decent sound system will send the average person running for the hills in terror. You're welcome.
5. Lou Reed "Metal Machine Music" (RCA, 1974 LP)
Ex-Velvet Underground singer Lou Reed had a long career of being a contrary, argumentative, hateful crank. Nothing stands as a testament to his contrarian philosophy than the release of the Metal Machine Music LP in 1974. Reed sings not one note on this double album, rather it consists solely of screeching feedback, edited to fit the maximum playing time on each side. (Reed himself has said about this LP that "anyone who makes it to Side Four is dumber than I am," which shows you how seriously he took this.) Basically conceived as a screw-you to RCA, they actually ended up releasing this thing to horrified reviews and public apathy. As a sonic weapon devised out of pure malice, however, this is hard to beat. That sound you hear upstairs is your neighbors jumping out the window.
Metal Machine Music - Lou Reed (1975) (Full Album) (youtube.com)
4. Merzbow "Pulse Demon" (Reissue on Relapse Records, 2019 LP)
Lou Reed basically invented so-called "noise rock" with the previous entry, inspiring many musicians who have carved their own niche in this genre of repellent, ear-melting noise. Merzbow, a leader in this field, has released many unlistenable slabs of industrial/electronic screeching and pounding, but the pinnacle of his work is usually acknowledged to be the late 90's LP Pulse Demon, described by a Pitchfork review as " simply pure sound, vicious unadulterated static" and "music cannot get more extreme than this." The people down the hall will never dare blast Dave Matthews Band again after being physically traumatized by this wailing din.
3. The Shaggs "My Pal Foot Foot" (album track from Philosophy Of The World, Third World LP 1969)
The Shaggs, three teenagers from New Hampshire, were formed in 1965 by their father/manager Austin Wiggin, despite the fact that the three girls had no musical aptitude whatsoever and could barely play their instruments. Perhaps blinded by a father's love, he insisted the girls were going to become huge stars, self-financing their 1969 LP Philosophy Of The World, by critical consensus often referred to as the worst album ever released. One searches for something to hold onto in this nightmarish goulash. Helen Wiggins' drumming can charitably be described as sub-rudimentary and off-time, Betty Wiggins' rhythm guitar makes a mockery of the word "rhythm", and leader Dot Wiggins vocals are out of tune and are nails-on-chalkboard annoying. Perhaps their best known track is the single "My Pal Foot Foot" which is a morbid ode to their dead pet dog. Not only will this serve to repel your neighbors instantly, they'll never want to listen to music again.
2. Barney The Dinosaur " I Love You" (from PBS TV Series, 1992)
If you remember the 90's, you'll certainly remember this hideous (yet inexplicably popular) song from the PBS series Barney The Dinosaur, which was sung at the end of EVERY SINGLE EPISODE and features the brainless Barney simpering lyrics like "I love you/you love me" that surely took no longer than 5 minutes to write. It also shamelessly steals the melody to the old children's song "This Old Man" (which isn't great, but better than this crap song.) Little children seem impervious to this one, but any adult within blasting distance of this will be able to actually feel their IQ decrease upon prolonged exposure to this one.
1. Insane Clown Posse "Miracles" (aka The Magnet Song) (Single, 2009 Psychopathic Records)
Let me share with you all the creme de la creme of this song, the following lyrics that will stand for all time as a testament to willful ignorance and stupidity: " F-in magnets, how do they work?/ And I don't wanna talk to a f-in scientist/ you mf-ers lying, and getting me pissed." I guess they missed that day in fifth grade science class where they explain how magnetism works? The tired, lazy rap style ICP brings here has not aged well in the fifteen years since its release, making it musically inert as well as just plain stupid. This one might actually make your neighbors wonder if you're OK, but they won't be wondering it inside your apartment building because they will be miles away by the time that happens.
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